There Is No Point To This Post! It’s My Mom’s Birthday, I Miss Her & I Might Be Rambling
I’ve been staring at this blog entry for the past 20 minutes. Trying to figure out what I wanted to write about. What I needed to say to the world today.
My mother is 60-years-old…today! And all I wanted to do was call her. I just wanted to hear her voice. I wanted her to ask me how New York was treating me? And if Mike and I were getting along? When’s the wedding? You know, the pleasantries that happen when you haven’t spoken to someone in a while. I haven’t spoken to my mother in forever (over two years to be exact). Then I remembered that she left me for her rightful golden cloud-infused seat somewhere up in Heaven.
I had to really recalibrate my brain this morning. How the fuck did I forget that my mother had died? Honestly, it happens a lot. I go to dial her number. I forget to use past tense when I refer to her. It’s the one stage of grief that I just can’t conquer. Denial.
Even though my mother was a huge part of my life, I have a habit of only replaying the last six months of her life. Our lives.
When you’ve got nothing to lose, you become vulnerable. My mother’s doctors sent her home with hospice (read: to die at home) and it took four months for her to die. I never knew it was possibly to be scared and fearless in the same moment. During that time, our conversations were some of the most enlightening dialogues I’ve ever had. I’m still searching and waiting for someone to be that honest with me.
Someone that will tell me things regardless of how much I might snap at them. Because there’s a chance that they will never be able to speak to me again. Someone that will say I love you every time they see me, because they have no clue what tomorrow brings. And there’s a big chance that one of us “might don’t make it” to see the sun rise and peak through our windows the next morning. Someone who’ll never be afraid to be honest in the moments when it’s the unthinkable thing to do.
I suppose that it’s only possible to do when you’re near death. Maybe being that close to God is the only time we can be truly honest with the people we love.
I don’t know. Like I said in my headline, I’m just rambling.
But maybe tomorrow when you see that person you love, you’ll be honest with them?