How To Deal With Your Needy Friends
LISTEN TO EP 25: ITUNES | SPOTIFY
Do you have a friend in your life that you really love, but they consistently demand too much of your energy and time? (Also, maybe I’m that friend.) This episode, we are going to learn how to be supportive of your friends without jeopardizing your own peace of mind. Here are a few steps to consider when dealing with your needy friend that can help you build and healthier and happier relationship.
ACTION STEPS FOR WITHIN
1. We can all develop a little compassion
It’s difficult for your friends to admit that they’re clingy— there’s a social stigma around people who need a lot of things. Take a moment to recognize that these dependent feelings typically stem from experiences involving abandonment, especially involving our inner child. We have all been hurt in childhood or adulthood, so extend a bit of compassion.
2. Monitor your mood
Depression and anxiety are highly contagious. Energy is transferrable. If talking with this friend darkens your spirit, then it’s time to bring that up to your friend so that you can adjust accordingly. I like to ask my friends, “Do you have the capacity to hear me?” It gives everyone involved ownership and control over the conversation. Because dumping your stress on another person isn’t always fair.
3. Hold your ground
In some cases, your friend may feel entitled to your attention. If they give pushback when you say you don’t have the capacity, you need to hold your ground. Stick to your reasonable boundaries. If they can’t respect your boundaries, then they may not be the friend for you.
4. Seek reciprocity
Relationships work best when both parties are willing to give and take, even though the balance may fluctuate over time and through different circumstances. You might decide to keep that relationship (even if it’s unbalanced) if it causes you no distress.
5. Check your own tendencies
You may be irritated with your friend because they remind you of qualities within yourself that make you uncomfortable. And that is not their fault. Ask yourself if you show any signs of being self absorbed. How often do you initiate conversations about topics unrelated to yourself?
ACTION STEPS FOR WITH YOUR FRIEND
1. Set limits
Let your friends know the boundaries that you require to feel comfortable. I cannot stress enough that most of the friendship issues we have stem from not communicating. You may need to decide that you can only take one phone call a day or can only take phone calls during certain times of the day. Give them a chance to hear and respond to your boundaries.
2. Pace your responses
Immediate replies can reinforce a sense of false urgency. Unless it’s an actual emergency that requires an ambulance, you can wait to reply until it fits your schedule. If that becomes the norm, then they’re no longer expecting immediate responses.
3. Focus on the solutions
Once you validate your friend’s emotions, you don’t want to wallow in that emotion with them. Put some positive actions into play and help them find solutions.
4. Clarify issues
Needy people are often desperate for immediate relief but they’re often confused about how to get it. The best way to help is maybe skillfully listen and help them refine their plans. A lot of the times, the problem is bigger when it’s swirling around on your head and feels a bit smaller when talked through with a friend.
5. Praise positive behavior
Look for signs of progress and reward them. Congratulate them when they try to make new friends or do things differently. It can be hard for people with one friend or who are dependent to move outside of their comfort zone in that way.
6. Enlist others
You might need to phone a friend for this one. Encourage your friend to talk to others, especially if they tend to rely solely on you alone. That can be a very taxing and exhausting relationship and it’s only going to lead to you being resentful and you not wanting to be their friend. Tell them how they can benefit from a wider range of viewpoint and maybe some expertise that you may lack.
7. Suggest therapy
If you believe that your friend needs professional help, consider approaching them directly or reaching out to someone that they may trust (like a parents or spouse) who can guide them in getting a therapist.
8. Be direct
Discuss your concerns before you become angry, exhausted, or resentful. Prompt communication makes it way easier to be tactful. It may even save your friendship to use this strategy. It’s hard, but when you’re able to be direct and vulnerable, it will only strengthen your relationship.
Have compassion for yourself, your friend, and the situations you find yourselves in.
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