How to Reconnect With a Friend After a Falling Out
LISTEN TO EP 35: ITUNES | SPOTIFY
I have had a lot of friends in my 45 years. Making friends as an adult is hard AF. When I stopped ghosting when I had conflicts (if you need help in this area, check out episode 6), I learned that reconnecting with a friend after a fight is even harder than making new friends. Here’s how to do it.
1. Decide if you’re ready
Are you still angry? Resentful? Are you even willing to forgive the person for whatever happened between you two? If any of your answers were yes, you need to reconcile the event within yourself.
2. Get real with yourself
This requires some real honesty. Acknowledge that you might be ashamed of how you handled things. Forgive yourself. We are all humans with no handbook and big backpacks of emotions and trauma. You have to do this before you can forgive someone else.
3. Make the first move
We all pause on this step out of fear of rejection. Remember the other person is battling this exact same feeling. They may welcome your approach. Think of how you would feel if they reached out to you— would you be happy? Relieved? Sad? If you get no response, don’t stress. Maybe they’re not in the same space that you are. Remember that you’re doing this for your own healing.
4. Reconnect in person
Do not craft that text message, note, gift as a means to communicate how you’re feeling about the conflict. It is simply an invitation to have a much deeper conversation in person. A text message will not be the solution to the conflict. Once you’re in person, speak your mind, be honest, and apologize if needed.
5. Talk about the issue early in the conversation
I love pleasantries as much as the next person, but you need to lay everything out on the table immediately. Wasting time at the start to catch up will just make things more awkward. You’re here because you’d been avoiding the elephant in the room, so don’t continue that behavior.
6. Take responsibility for your part
It would be so easy to put the entire blame on your friend. The truth is that everyone is to blame when conflict occurs. And blaming won’t help your reconnection or forgiveness. Know that repairing the damage requires you to accept some of the blame. Be the bigger person.
7. What upset you then doesn’t necessarily have to be the issue today
If I’m really honest with you, I barely remember why I got made at my friend in the first place. Now that time has passed, the why has faded so much and shame and embarrassment have arrived because I’ve waited so long to address it. Don’t let stubbornness keep you from reconnection. It takes so much effort to hold a grudge.
8. Find new common grounds
It might be awkward. Sometimes relationships just don’t bounce back or pick up from where you left them. Find something you both love or share that you can bond over. Maybe you’re both foodies, or building a family, or looking for a career change.
9. Decide what you both want moving forward
What do you need in order to move forward? Get clear on this before you even meet in person. Is this an opportunity to rebuild a relationship that you once had or is it a meeting for closure? Remember that forgiveness does not mean reconnection. It will not work if only one person is willing to apologize. The apology just means that I am laying this behavior, this energy all to rest. It is done.
10. Dig deep for patience
It would serve you well if you walked into this with no expectations at all. No expectations of an apology, the other person’s communication, or forgiveness. Just let the conversation flow on its own. And be honest with it. Let the organic feelings and emotions fall where they need to fall. And remember, it will take time for things to feel normal again.
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